i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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