I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
