I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
