just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
