tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
