he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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