I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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