i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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