My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize