I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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