The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
