I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
