one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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