in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
