is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
