Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
