I wish my penis had an off switch
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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