So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
