and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
