No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
