Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You made out with two different species that night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
