You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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