Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
