i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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