Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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