ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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