Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
