She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
