She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
