I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
