theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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