I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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