I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
