she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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