You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
