dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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