he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
