Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
