It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
