i wish my penis had a tongue
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
