I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
