Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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