All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
