Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
