Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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