I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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