thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
