I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
