I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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