I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
