My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
