I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
