my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
