please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
