She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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