I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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