fuck your aforementioned shoe
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
