if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
