He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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