I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's shark week go big or go home
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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