a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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