I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
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He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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